Vulnerability in the workplace

Brave happens when we dare. 
Dare to show up. 
Dare to be vulnerable. 
Dare to risk. 
Dare to make unpopular decisions.

All of these require courage and all are an act of vulnerability. 

If you google vulnerability in the workplace, the top hits you'll get are something like “Why vulnerability is crucial to success.” If you look up vulnerability in relationships the top results talk about it being key to the relationship’s success. So if vulnerability is what’s crucial and key to success, why is it not embraced more often in real life?

Vulnerability has become a buzzword, (thank you Brene Brown) but I want to give some examples of what it actually looks like, to show that while we may talk about it and say we want it, we often have no clue what to do when confronted with someone else’s vulnerability.

Vulnerability is your friend telling you that they are having money trouble and are afraid they won’t be able to pay their bills.

Vulnerability is your employee telling you that it feels like all you ever say to them is what they’re doing wrong, that they don’t feel appreciated, and that you feel that they can’t do anything right. 

Vulnerability is a colleague saying they’re suffering with depression.

Vulnerability is speaking up about racism and confronting your family about a comment they made that was hurtful.

Vulnerability is a direct report telling you that the team is struggling because they need clearer direction and defined expectations, but you’ve been too busy recently. 

Vulnerability is taking on a big new project, trying a new approach and failing

Vulnerability is a man prioritizing his family when he’s judged for not working 50+ hours a week. 

Vulnerability is realizing you hate your job and choosing to start something new when you have two kids at home and bills to pay.

Vulnerability is becoming emotional in front of your boss because the work environment is too toxic and stressful when the office culture says “showing emotions hinders your career.”

Vulnerability is a woman saying she might need to stop working to be more available to her kids.

Vulnerability is a man who was recently let go from his job because he wasn’t part of the direction of the company’s new plans. 

Vulnerability is a woman saying she doesn’t want kids.

Vulnerability is sharing your story about growing up black in an all-white community.

I know that is a lot but I wanted to show examples from all areas of life that we might be faced with. I also intentionally worded the first ones as being on the receiving end, because I think the problem with us being comfortable with vulnerability is not as much of us being willing to open up and be vulnerable, but us knowing what to do when someone is vulnerable with us and how often we fumble when faced with it.

If we are going to lead vulnerably and start practicing it ourselves, then we have to be ready when someone takes that risk with us. 

Part of the issue is that we are often uncomfortable with other people’s pain. Sitting with someone in their pain, with their shame, with their process, is tough. We say we are open to it, but in practice I’ve seen more often than not, people having a difficult time with it once they’re faced with it. 

For example, a couple of years ago when both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain committed suicide, I saw so many people post on social media about how sad it was and that if anyone they knew was considering suicide, to reach out to them and that they were there for them. My first reaction was actually “red flag, red flag!” Yes, that is wonderful, and those battling suicidal thoughts need people to turn to in those times, but people suffering with depression to the extent of suicide is a real and dangerous thing. And most people are ill-equipped to know how to handle that. I have seen people reach out when going through depression and how others froze not knowing what to do with that information. I also have seen people distance themselves from people when they are going through these things, probably because they don’t have the language or know what the best action is to help. We have to know when to encourage others to seek help and also know how to sit with someone in the midst of their pain, and not try to be the help.

When it comes to leading from a place of vulnerability and creating a culture of it in our work and teams, there is a dichotomy at play that I think we have to tackle before we can start telling people to be vulnerable in the workplace. 

There are popular books circulating that say the key to success and the company growing to the next level is for risk-taking, courage, and failure to be welcomed and encouraged. But we don’t take the time to break down the old culture first: office politics, leave your emotions at the door, do things my way, know your place and act appropriately for your level, etc. All of these hinder the ability for vulnerable acts like risk-taking and creative thinking.

As someone who has worked in corporate leadership, and specializes in Leadership & Organizational development, I can confidently say that you cannot safely have vulnerability in the workplace if we don’t take the time to intentionally break the traditional corporate culture down. 
Vulnerability won’t work and those who take the risks will be punished and pushed out.

I truly believe and have seen in my own life that vulnerability is required if we are going to lead with courage, have meaningful connections, and if we’re going to live our lives with purpose. 
But I also know that in order to get there, we have to be prepared when we are faced with another's vulnerability and learn how to embrace it, sit with them in it, empathize, and move closer, not further away, in our connections. 

What is Courageous Leadership

What is courageous leadership?

This week in the United States, we hosted our first Presidential debate. For those who don’t pay attention to the media, I will just tell you that the majority of analyst and the American people agreed that no one won that debate—it was the equivalent of two 3-year olds fighting over a swing-set. I watched in disbelief that these were our candidates. These two men are the ones that the American people are going to have to choose from to lead the country. Both of these men felt that how they behaved is appropriate for someone in leadership. My, how our standards of leadership have fallen.

Someone messaged me and asked what brave culture and courageous leadership look like. “How does that show up in the workplace and how do you create it?”

There is a lot to unpack in those questions. Which is why it’s so rare to find. There is so much surface level aspects to leading that we typically focus on, that are useful skills but don’t require you to truly dig deep into what it takes to lead with courage.

In order to have brave culture, you have to have brave, courageous leaders. That’s because leaders are the largest contributing factor to culture. You can’t have great culture with terrible leaders—you just end up with good perks and benefits.

Culture is:

how people feel when they walk into the office

how open they feel to speak up in a meeting

who has a seat at the table

if inclusion is actually a reality in the teams or just a good slogan

how safe it is to bring your whole-self to work

how values are lived, expressed, and used in decision making

This is culture, and now with so much of the world working virtually, we’re realizing it. So many of the companies that depended on their casual Fridays, ping pong tables, and free snacks are discovering that they didn’t do the real culture work and their employee’s have taken off their rose colored glasses and don’t like what they see.

This is why leadership is crucial. Each one of these things are dependent on the leader to create the atmosphere for them and ensure they are upheld.

I’ve looked a lot at leadership and I’ve found it’s not how you lead when things are good, when you’re inspired and motivated, or when things are growing and energized that matters. It is

• When our opinions and ways of doing things are challenged

• When we are frustrated or our buttons are pushed

• When our resources are cut

• When you have a choice of taking the easy way out or doing what’s inconvenient for you

• When you have to choose between yourself, your own comfort, and your own way—or sacrificing it for those you lead

This is when your leadership is actually put to the test and you find out if you are truly leading or merely managing with influence.

I read an article in the midst of quarantine and it said that lots of companies were finding that their leaders were using Covid as an excuse to cut people they had issues working with (aka “low hanging fruit”) but couldn’t make a case for previously. I was appalled. What an example of how watered down and superficial our current leadership programs must be if these were the leaders we were creating—ones that would cause undue harm, at the worst possible time, just to make their jobs easier rather then doing the work of leading and developing those they lead. This is not leadership and it shows just how much we have stripped the humanity away from our culture.

There is not a simple step-by-step answer on how to create brave cultures, but I can tell you it starts with creating brave, courageous leaders.

How do we do this? You start with yourself. You must do the internal work to understand your own triggers, your breaking points, your limitations, where your selfishness kicks in, your insecurities, your fears, and learn how to dive into those places and do the internal work so that you can lead others well, even when the going gets tough and you’re in your low points.

Leadership is hard. You will have people you don’t like, and who might not like you, that you will have to lead. You will have people challenge you. You will be put in circumstances that will require you to choose between tremendous sacrifice, patience, and dying-to-self or choosing to make yourself more comfortable and your job easier.

You can’t have both. You can’t be self-serving and be a leader, they are fundamentally opposed to one another. Leadership, true leadership, is a life-long act of guiding while serving others above yourself.