Vulnerability in the workplace

Brave happens when we dare. 
Dare to show up. 
Dare to be vulnerable. 
Dare to risk. 
Dare to make unpopular decisions.

All of these require courage and all are an act of vulnerability. 

If you google vulnerability in the workplace, the top hits you'll get are something like “Why vulnerability is crucial to success.” If you look up vulnerability in relationships the top results talk about it being key to the relationship’s success. So if vulnerability is what’s crucial and key to success, why is it not embraced more often in real life?

Vulnerability has become a buzzword, (thank you Brene Brown) but I want to give some examples of what it actually looks like, to show that while we may talk about it and say we want it, we often have no clue what to do when confronted with someone else’s vulnerability.

Vulnerability is your friend telling you that they are having money trouble and are afraid they won’t be able to pay their bills.

Vulnerability is your employee telling you that it feels like all you ever say to them is what they’re doing wrong, that they don’t feel appreciated, and that you feel that they can’t do anything right. 

Vulnerability is a colleague saying they’re suffering with depression.

Vulnerability is speaking up about racism and confronting your family about a comment they made that was hurtful.

Vulnerability is a direct report telling you that the team is struggling because they need clearer direction and defined expectations, but you’ve been too busy recently. 

Vulnerability is taking on a big new project, trying a new approach and failing

Vulnerability is a man prioritizing his family when he’s judged for not working 50+ hours a week. 

Vulnerability is realizing you hate your job and choosing to start something new when you have two kids at home and bills to pay.

Vulnerability is becoming emotional in front of your boss because the work environment is too toxic and stressful when the office culture says “showing emotions hinders your career.”

Vulnerability is a woman saying she might need to stop working to be more available to her kids.

Vulnerability is a man who was recently let go from his job because he wasn’t part of the direction of the company’s new plans. 

Vulnerability is a woman saying she doesn’t want kids.

Vulnerability is sharing your story about growing up black in an all-white community.

I know that is a lot but I wanted to show examples from all areas of life that we might be faced with. I also intentionally worded the first ones as being on the receiving end, because I think the problem with us being comfortable with vulnerability is not as much of us being willing to open up and be vulnerable, but us knowing what to do when someone is vulnerable with us and how often we fumble when faced with it.

If we are going to lead vulnerably and start practicing it ourselves, then we have to be ready when someone takes that risk with us. 

Part of the issue is that we are often uncomfortable with other people’s pain. Sitting with someone in their pain, with their shame, with their process, is tough. We say we are open to it, but in practice I’ve seen more often than not, people having a difficult time with it once they’re faced with it. 

For example, a couple of years ago when both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain committed suicide, I saw so many people post on social media about how sad it was and that if anyone they knew was considering suicide, to reach out to them and that they were there for them. My first reaction was actually “red flag, red flag!” Yes, that is wonderful, and those battling suicidal thoughts need people to turn to in those times, but people suffering with depression to the extent of suicide is a real and dangerous thing. And most people are ill-equipped to know how to handle that. I have seen people reach out when going through depression and how others froze not knowing what to do with that information. I also have seen people distance themselves from people when they are going through these things, probably because they don’t have the language or know what the best action is to help. We have to know when to encourage others to seek help and also know how to sit with someone in the midst of their pain, and not try to be the help.

When it comes to leading from a place of vulnerability and creating a culture of it in our work and teams, there is a dichotomy at play that I think we have to tackle before we can start telling people to be vulnerable in the workplace. 

There are popular books circulating that say the key to success and the company growing to the next level is for risk-taking, courage, and failure to be welcomed and encouraged. But we don’t take the time to break down the old culture first: office politics, leave your emotions at the door, do things my way, know your place and act appropriately for your level, etc. All of these hinder the ability for vulnerable acts like risk-taking and creative thinking.

As someone who has worked in corporate leadership, and specializes in Leadership & Organizational development, I can confidently say that you cannot safely have vulnerability in the workplace if we don’t take the time to intentionally break the traditional corporate culture down. 
Vulnerability won’t work and those who take the risks will be punished and pushed out.

I truly believe and have seen in my own life that vulnerability is required if we are going to lead with courage, have meaningful connections, and if we’re going to live our lives with purpose. 
But I also know that in order to get there, we have to be prepared when we are faced with another's vulnerability and learn how to embrace it, sit with them in it, empathize, and move closer, not further away, in our connections. 

The 80/20 Principle: How to hyper-focus and set priorities

Remember when the pandemic first hit and we all thought we’d spend a few months working from home and then things would go back to “normal?”  
Yes, I've also had to come to grips with the fact that this is our new normal: sharing workspaces with 4 other people in our house, being full-time stay-at-home working parents, and now if you have school-aged kids you may be adding full-time teacher to that list as well, yay...

This week I worked with four different clients who all are doing their best to figure out how to lead their teams who are facing the fact that now, with their kids having to do school at home, they will be responsible for both their work responsibilities and their kid’s education. As leaders, we absolutely have to face the reality that this year will be different. All those incredible goals you and your team set back in January, have to shift (if they haven’t already), but more than just goals, your expectations for your team and yourself have to shift as well. Realistic expectations are key for success, health, and maintaining good relationships with each other. 

But as leaders, we also know that we have a business to run. If we want to keep our jobs then we have to grow profits and deliver results. So how do we go this realistically- while maintaining our relational, mental, and physical health? We are going to have to get really clear on what is truly important and use the time we have to its full potential. 

I wanted to share a tool that has helped me tremendously with my focus and productivity:

The Pareto Principle, also known as the 80:20 Rule. Simply put, the 80:20 rule is that 80% of our results come from 20% of our efforts. Several studies have found that 80% of a company's revenue comes from only 20% of their customers. So if you have a project due, or there are sales numbers or KPIs you have to hit, then you have to determine what is the 20% of your activity that you need to hyper-focus on in order to get those results but also what is the 80% of distraction that is wasting your time.
To make this easy, I put together a simple process to follow, that I call the 3 D’s:

• Discover your top strengths - what you do best. Make a list of maybe 4 or 5 areas of strength.

• Determine your key responsibilities. You can do this by grouping your tasks to create a list of about 10 responsibilities and then narrowing it down to 2 or 3 (MAX) that only you can do. 

• Delegate. Now, using your list above, you can see the other 7 or 8 areas that you’ll need to delegate to your team. If you don’t have a team, then you’ll need to discover what items on that list can come off (because honestly, they aren’t helping you achieve results) or you’ll have to prioritize them based on the key indicators and results and how each activity most contributes to achieving those. If it doesn’t, then it either comes off the list or will have to wait. 

Help your team go through this practice as well. In your next team meeting, walk them through an exercise where they write down their strengths, group their activity into 10 responsibilities and help them narrow down the 2 or 3 that create the most impact. Then help them to know how to prioritize and focus on those key areas. 

The reality is, most people will not, and cannot, work 40 hours a week in the current environment. The good news is that we don’t need 40+ hours a week to get results. We just have to hyper-focus on the activity that really creates impact and produces results, this is called the vital few. The extra fluff, also known as the trivial many (aka distractions), has to be thrown out.

If you want to learn more about The Pareto Principle, I highly recommend this article on using the 80:20 principle to become a better leader.

What are you doing to juggle all the competing priorities, in the midst of limited resources, space, and limited ability to connect and interact? Comment and let me know! It's so important to be learning from each other.

Lastly, If you're looking to optimize your leadership to drive results, improve team effectiveness, lead change, achieve balance so you can show up well in every area of your life, determine your career goals and work from your purpose, and all the skills needed to lead in the midst of a pandemic go here to schedule a call to learn what executive and leadership coaching can provide for you.

That time I asked myself the hard question and the answer I didn't want to hear

In 2019, I came to grips with the harsh reality that for years I had been waiting on the sidelines to hopefully one day pursue my dreams and start living out my purpose. 

This meant that I felt no purpose in what I was doing in my day-to-day. Sure I found meaning in raising my daughter and with my family, but I felt exhausted and meaningless in my work and daily life. I was living in a constant state of “one day.” This is how a lot of people feel—that purpose is something large scale like pursuing a dream, starting a business, or achieving something grand.

But the truth I found over the last year is that purpose is about living intentionally. I believe this is where most people get confused and hold themselves back. They believe they have to see a dream being fulfilled or figure out their “reason for living,” aka their purpose, and if they’re not then they are just on the sidelines hoping to one day be in the game. 

I started to learn that purpose is practically walked out when we understand how our actions are connected to something bigger than ourselves. I used to think that looks like being a public figure, saving lives, owning a company, being an influencer, doing ministry, etc., but it’s actually much simpler and deeper than that. I started to look at how every little action I took connected to something larger. The opportunity to contribute to something bigger than us is already available, we just have to shift our focus to see it. 

Here's an example from one of my coaching clients:

Mark: Financial advisor, works with clients in the middle-class income range, no huge portfolios to manage, nothing fancy

Recent Situation: He helped a family get their budget in order and after years of struggling to get out of debt, they finally paid off their credit card bill after working with Mark. He also helped set up income protection for this family, and recently the husband was diagnosed with cancer. Now he is able to take the time off work he needs to focus on his health and get well, while still being able to bring in a paycheck, all because they worked with him. They don’t lose their house and the family has one less stress in the midst of a highly emotional time- and this is possible because of the help he provided.   

In Mark’s personal life: He leaves work early and picks up his kids from school once a week. It’s a weekly tradition he’s kept in place since he had his first child. His son recently was being bullied. On one of the outings, he opened up and shared what he’s going through. He trusts his dad because of the relationship they’ve developed over the years. His son’s friends are shocked that he would even consider talking to his dad about that kind of stuff. But because of the years Mark spent encouraging him, showing how proud of him he is, sharing his own stories of pain, and calling out his son’s identity he feels comfortable talking to his dad. Because he’s taken the time to really know his son, they have a deep relationship. This has created a confident teenager, who navigates school and peer pressure well. 

You can see through the story above that purpose is tied to legacy. When we live from a place of legacy we start to see the purpose in the small actions of our day to day lives. In my work, I always stress the importance of living a life full of purpose because I believe that if we aren’t living intentionally in every area of our lives, then we are not living from our purpose. We can not let our drive to accomplish our dreams or achieve greatness cause us to bankrupt the other areas of our life.We do this through intentional living. Here are some practical ways to do this.
 

Weigh our decisions carefully and thoughtfully.
For instance, when we are faced with needing to decide a course of action, whether to add something new to our plate or how to approach a situation, consider the long term effects and how those involved will be impacted. Weigh these pieces carefully and remember life is a marathon, not a sprint

Commit to a decision and don’t break promises, especially to yourself. 
So often we are the first person we let down. We do this because it’s easier to forgive ourselves, rather than fear disappointing someone else. After all, at least if we have to cancel on ourselves it doesn’t require us to explain the reason why and end up in conflict. But how we treat ourselves communicates to others how they’re allowed to treat us. If we devalue ourselves, it communicates to others that it’s ok for them to not value us and our needs. If we don’t honor our schedule, it tells others that they also don’t have to respect our time

Make intentional deposits, consistently and often.
After our own needs, I find that our family and loved ones are often the next on the chopping block. We tell ourselves that they’ll understand, we’ll make it up to them later, or they’re way more forgiving than our boss, student, clients… you fill in the blank. But those actions corrode the trust bank we have with our loved ones. I cannot tell you how many fractured marriages and relationships I see in my work, and how many people tell me that they wish they could go back and do it over again. We don’t always get a do-over. Those closest to us deserve our best and remember our relationships have a bank. Like any bank account, if we only make withdrawals and forget to make consistent deposits, we’ll end up over-drawn and bankrupt. So look for ways to make daily deposits. Invest in your relationships and keep your commitments, and it will build connection

Connect your work to the greater cause and show up for it fully. 
I once worked for a staffing agency. It was a thankless job that worked to place people with complicated backgrounds in manufacturing jobs. It was exhausting and left me frustrated more days than not. But I started learning from my boss the art of hearing people’s stories. Why were they here, what led them to where they were in their life, what were their struggles and their dreams? I started to see their humanity, people who had real lives, pain, and passions like myself. So I recognized that when I helped Travis get a job, I helped him sleep better at night and pay his bills. When he dropped the ball and didn’t show up for work, I now didn’t get offended and think of him as lazy, but instead provided accountability for him to learn and tie it back to how it impacted his loved ones. Maybe he didn’t have someone growing up to teach him about work ethic but I could be someone he might learn from. Trust me, it still had its hard days but now my work had meaning and it was impacting people on a much greater scale. When we link our work to the big picture we start to walk out the purpose found in our daily lives. 

Consider this:

• What area of your life have you been neglecting?

• Are there relationships that are suffering because you’ve forgotten to make deposits? 

• Do you rush through life forgetting to live intentionally? 

• Do you break promises to yourself because it’s easier than letting other people down?

The real question is, what are you going to do differently? Let me know how you are going to start living your life intentionally and connected to purpose. The time is now to start living full of purpose!